It's 8:30 in the morning. Lucy and Elsa have been off to school for about a 1/2 hour now. I just got a shower since one didn't happen yesterday, I'm sitting here in my $1 muumuu from Goodwill typing this post because surprisingly Leta and Annie are still asleep. Of course I'm worried that they died in their sleep. Consciously I know they didn't. Subconsciousness, "do you really Kathryn?" However, yesterday I went and woke them up when my fear got the best of me. I'm thinking they are just going through a sleeping phase. Well, Annie is going through a sleeping phase, which allows excellent sleeper Leta to finally sleep more.
I washed my hair twice in the shower today because I couldn't remember from the two seconds previous if I had washed it or not.
Around the first of the month I think a LOT. Merely because a month has ended, so I go over how we did on our budget, then it's Payday so I see what we have to work with for the month (it's always a surprise), and I figure out what I need to do for the coming month.
Usually I'm overwhelmed for about 2 days. Overwhelmed = grumpy too. I know, where did my good attitude go? I was on such a roll.
Now, my days are filled with stressful thoughts. Often irrational. Or are they? (see I told you...)
I've got to water the trees.
Paint is peeling on our garage trim.
The pool is green again.
The backyard is embarrassing.
The house threw up.
Would Ryan notice if I went crazy and moved preschool stuff into the office, our table and chairs into the 'preschool' room and left a big area in out kitchen with nothing in it, just so I will not bump into the chairs one more time.
Our carpets need cleaning.
I should buckle down and potty train Leta and Annie. My halfsy job isn't working for Annie anymore.
Why did I buy those jallepeno poppers for $6 at Walmart? We could have totally paid off all of our debt by now if I could just not buy stupid stuff. (not really, but I did think it.)
I spent $38 at Lutheran thrift this month. Did I really need to?
Why why why is it so hard to make an extra buck and so so so easy to spend it in an hour?
Should I give away half of everything we own to DI? I hate that my house falls apart so easily.
How do other moms do it?
I need to write an article - no maybe 3.
I need to read more with Lucy and Elsa. I need to have everyday be wonderful and filled with learning experiences. How are they going to be geniuses if mom doesn't sit down and teach them awesome lessons everyday.
Running....yeah, not so much.
Would Ryan gag if I wore a muumuu everyday?
Why can't I just be lazy?
Why am I complaining, I have an "office," I have a "preschool" room?
Am I a brat?
And then, like every month, the thought comes, "quit being a baby and get to work."
I've got much to be thankful for. I've got a lot of work to do. I've got palm trees to rip out, things to give to DI, articles to write, and babies to get out of their crib. (and I'll call them babies until it pains me)
Just as I thought (or at least tried to tell myself), they are alive and ready for mom now. And my self-loathing is pretty brat-ish.
Time to buck up again.
"Just hum your favorite hymn, sing out with vigor and vim, and you will find, it clears you mind, hum your favorite hymn."
2 comments:
I washed my hair twice also...at least I think I did anyway. I couldn't remember if I washed it the first time, but I had been in there for a long time so maybe I did...but then again, maybe I didn't. I know what you mean--about everything. Hair washing twice is minor.
kathryn, i love reading your thoughts. don't worry so much! you are doing an amazing job, really.
i need a muumuu! clint told me it's a sign of giving up, but my growing belly doesn't care. they're awesome. and after reading this post i want to make a trip to lutheran thrift :)
also, almost every day i can't remember if i already shampooed my hair so i do it again. glad i'm not the only one.
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