Sunday Ramblings

- We enjoyed conference last week.  Lucy kept looking forward to it with such excitement, mostly because I let the girls pick out special treats.  But hey, they were excited so that is what counts.  The thing that hit me the most is the need to increase my ability to receive personal revelation.  It's the key.  Whatever we are asked to do, it takes personal revelation to make sure I am doing it right.  How many kids to have?  Yep, chalk that one up to personal revelation.  No one has the right answer but Ryan, me and God.  Get out of debt?  Yep, another for the personal revelation category.  That way I know if I'm doing things in wisdom and order and in a way that pleases Heavenly Father.  Being a better mom?  Yep, totally need personal revelation on this one.  Everyday!  

I don't see angels, I think I could only categorize hearing a "voice" a few times in my life.  Mostly, it's small and simple feelings, impressions, and tender mercies that I'm working to hone my listening ears and heart to.  I am getting better.  

- I am a little paranoid about people judging me.  Do they think I'm foolish for this choice or that?  Yes, I get caught up in the worry over my image (not as in my looks, but as in, do they think I'm perfect enough?).  I don't like it.  And I'm getting better at over coming this.  I try to think about others view of me enough to not be a brat, but not enough that it is crippling my self worth.  It's humbling though to realize that I worry of people judging me, but on the other hand, that is probably because there have been times I have been quick to judge others as well.  Oh it is so easy to judge.  Must work every day on developing charity.  

- Ryan was gone on his lobster hunt the last 3 days.  He's back and now every time Leta sees him she says, "Daddy's home."  He got one lobster and about 9 fish.  The girls are happy.  Lucy is licking her lips in excitement over tomorrow night's lobster night.  I am growing up as a wife too.  The first time Ryan went on this dive after having kids, I made him a big list of demands (fix this before you go, don't complain about that...)  It was probably because Leta and Annie were only 4 months and Lucy and Elsa were just 3.  Not necessarily a time in my life I felt like letting him have a break.  Now I enjoy that fact that he could go on this trip.  We handled life marvelously and he had a great time.  I like when I'm truly happy merely because he is happy. That's a good place to be in a marriage.   

I have been known in the past to have a chip on my should over the fact that if a father (aka Ryan) wants to do an extra activity in his life, he can up and go without much change, much planning in the child department.    If I, as a stay at home mom to 4 littles, want to do something, I have to bear the burden of lining up babysitters, having Ryan clear his work schedule...making what seems like everyone bend over backwards so I can go do something more selfish.  It really leaves me with anxiety and when it come down to it, it isn't fair.  (I'm not saying Ryan doesn't do this for me from time to time with a happy heart, I'm just saying that it's simply much easier for a father to leave home than it is for a mother.)   

But this trip gave me some more perspective.  Do I want things to be perfectly fair?  When I was a young girl, I dreamed of the day I could be a stay at home mom, not the day I could go have my own mini-vacation.  It is true that Ryan and I are equal in many ways, but inherently, roles are different as a mother and a father.  If I wanted fair, I would probably be expected to pay half the bills and thankfully I don't have to do that.  Thankfully I get to be the one here when Lucy learns how to ride her bike without training wheels or Elsa needs' comfort after her first bloody nose.  

I learned to have a different perspective.  I don't want to complain that I feel like I have to move mountains sometimes to get my alone time, I need to be thankful that I am getting to finally live my life long dream.  I yearned to be a mother and I have relearned that my countenance really should reflect the gratitude I feel in my heart for this season in life.  Before I know it, I'll have 4 teenagers and will long for the days when I couldn't even go potty without a toddling companion.  (I bet I won't say potty when they are teenagers either.)  

- I started reading a book.  Well, books.  I started "The Work and the Glory."  It's a 9 book series.  I have no self control so I read every chance I get, staying up late, procrastinating projects and cleaning.  (I'm sure I have some self control - I don't drink, smoke, cuss.  I go to church.  I'm a decent person - but I do lack in the self control department.  Sometimes I wonder how different I would be if I had more self control - I would eat better, sleep better, think better....goals would be met, awesomeness accomplished sooner...)  Anyways, this is why I don't like to read - it interferes with my daily life.  I'm too much of a "I want to know all the details and want them now" that I keep reading and reading just to get to the end as fast as I can.  (Sometimes I cheat and go online and read summaries of books, movies and t.v. shows just to get to the ending faster.)  So, my sleep has been lacking due to my book obsession.  

- I think because of my lack of sleep, I wanted to cry in church about 10 times today:  when a father walked into church holding his baby after just recently returning from months and months of boot camp and being away from his family, when the 2 returning missionaries spoke - their moms must be so proud of how mature their boys sound now, when the kid's sang "I Love to See the Temple" and the chorister got tears in her eyes, when the kids sang, "I Will Follow God's Plan For Me" and it reminds me of my sister's little girl Sadie, when I talk about service, when I see the good desires of Lucy and Elsa.... I should got to bed so I'm not so teary eyed.

So there is my novel.  I'm off to read my novel.  Who needs sleep?  I'll just deal with the emotions. 

Oh I'm thankful for my life.  I'm thankful for the ability to feel happiness.