The Controversy of Discipline

Sometimes when things bug me, I write.  And then sometimes I hit "publish."  Sorry if you get to see my train-wreck of thoughts at times.

I've been hearing about this mom who was arrested for giving her child hot sauce and cold showers.  I finally watched the video last night.  I was horrified, not because I felt the mom was evil and deserved to have her kids taken away from her like many of the people who commented on the video said, but because I saw a mom who knew she was at the end of her rope and needed help (although making a tape for Dr. Phil might not have been the best idea).  I was sad, because quite frankly, I've had some moments I'm not proud of either and I started to read all the comments like they were aimed at me.  I went to bed last night paranoid that someone could think I didn't deserve to have my kids.

Motherhood is not all sunshine and roses.  Sometimes it is so emotionally exhausting because one minute you don't know if you can contain how much love you have and the next minute you don't know if you can contain your frustrations.  I can see how a mother could over-react.  I know I have at times.  

I'm not saying what this mother did was perfectly fine, obviously something wasn't working since she used these punishments what seemed like a little too much and cold showers in Alaska are different than Arizona.  However, there have been a few times in my mothering career that I have used hot sauce and cold showers.  When Lucy went through her biting phase, the only thing that finally got her to stop was a couple of times of using a dab of hot sauce on her tongue.  But I would follow up with milk afterwards.  With Annie I did the same thing once, (until I realized vinegar was a better option the 2nd time) and now Leta doesn't walk around with huge teeth mark bruises.  And my older girls have gotten a quick cold shower or two for being crazy in the bath.  I gave them warnings and told them that they don't deserve a nice warm bath if they aren't safe and nice.  It was a punishment that fit the crime.  But afterwards they got to get back in the warm bath or get a nice towel.

Is it sad?  Yes.  Do they cry?  Yes (although Annie didn't really mind the 'spicy hot').  But sometimes consequences stink, no matter the age.  I cried when I got a ticket for an accident I caused.      

In our home we play games, we spend one on one time with our children, we pray, we teach, we read, we compliment, we encourage, we try our best.  But sometimes that discipline aspect comes into play when all the preventative stuff didn't work.  Sometimes we have different situations arise because we have the whole two sets of twins aspect. I guess my point is that sometimes I am firm.  Sometimes my girls get punished.  Does that make me abusive because they got hot sauce and cold showers?  Sometimes there are huge screaming fits at the injustice of going to bed without a bedtime story for being crazy during scriptures and prayers, or the injustice of loosing a privilege or getting a toy taken away.  I know deep down good discipline shows real love, but at the same time it is so hard for me to do without feeling like the mean mom.     

I'm not perfect.  There have been times I didn't keep my cool while disciplining.  There have been times where I have lost it and yelled too much too.  I even made myself a "no-yelling chart" when things seemed to be really crazy.  But, I almost always follow up with love.  My girls know that I'm working on patience just as much as they are.  (And I think I do pretty good considering how much I am screamed at by the youngers and how many needs and demands I must meet everyday.)  But the truth is, I could see where this mother in Alaska was coming from.  She obviously needed help.  It may seem easy to judge this mother, but she knew she was at her whits end.  She lives in Alaska and maybe she had been couped up all winter, maybe she has no emotional support system, maybe...we just don't see the full story.               

Any one of us could look like the most horrific mom with the right editing.  Blogs and FB are another quick way to judge a person by their cover.  I would cringe if the worst 2 minutes of my life where on display for the world.  It seems as though everyone is quick to give an opinion, but not everyone is quick to lend a helping hand.

We live in a time where abuse can come in many forms - underworked or overworked, fed too little or fed too much, over-disciplined or under-disciplined, over-indulged or neglected, etc.  I have given my children hot sauce and cold showers a few times when the punishment fit the crime.  But after a depressing night of thinking the world would want to take my kids away from me, I realized I'm still a good mom*.  I'm far from perfect, and I have my list of things to work on, but I'm a good mom even if I would still give a cold shower to prevent a bath-time accident (I'll probably use vinegar from here  on out with any biting though).  And I think that mom from Alaska could have that love at home she was so desperately wanting if she just had the right support system.  

*I have to remind myself that I'm a good mom sometimes...one of my vices is giving into the temptation to belittle myself and think I'm worse than I really am.  I'm pretty sure most women have that vice as well.  It's like you don't want to be prideful and you want to be honest with who you really are and what you need to work on, but at the same time you let thoughts creep in that you are worse than you really are...or am I really the only one that thinks crazy like that?

And just so you know we are happy, here is another favorite picture of Ryan and Leta.  She sure loves it when daddy comes home: