Motherhood

I like being a mom.  A lot.  Most days I feel overly blessed.
I love that I had two sets of twins and I love that I got to have a huge belly.  I love this picture of me - I just felt so complete when pregnant.  One regret - this belly picture seems small compared to how it felt.

There are some days when I start to do the complaining and the whining, maybe about something not being fair, maybe about finances, maybe about someone who is bugging me, then I stop and think about my best blessings: First, I have a husband that actually loves me, and not the kind of love that is just spoken, but the kind of love that is shown.  Second, I have 4 healthy children and Ryan and I have health and energy to keep up with them.  Seriously, health is amazing.  And then I usually feel like a complete idiot for ever even thinking a complaint.  Nothing could compensate for those two blessings.  I could live in a shack on the top of a mountain (I know how to dig a toilet) because I have what I have always wanted - love and children.

This weekend Ryan and I actually made it out for a date while the girls stayed the night at the Melzers.  After dinner we watched a Redbox movie and I ate mint milano cookies and strawberry popsicles.  I also had them for breakfast on Saturday too.  We cleaned and took it easy as a family on Saturday, Ryan successfully stopped our rogue house alarm that decided to blare it's sirens 3 times between 3:00 AM and 4:30 AM early Sunday morning, I got to sleep in till 8:20 (which was very welcome after being up part of the night) and woke up to a waiting e-mail love note (he wrote it and sent it after I fell asleep Saturday night), Ryan made me my requested chocolate chip pancakes and we enjoyed church and family the rest of the day.  Simple and just right.  

We didn't get our usual pictures of me and my girls after church today because we rushed off to visit with my mom and grandma, but I made Ryan take these beauties while getting the girls ready for bed.  Of course they look way more peaceful than the reality for putting 4 littles to bed, but, I'll treasure them, just as I treasure the thousands of pictures I have.  My memory might fade fast, but it's nice to have this blog and my pictures to take a walk down memory lane.

I know in the past I have written my thoughts on Motherhood and how even Eve was proclaimed a mother before she bore children of her own.  I've written my love for my own mom, mother-in-law and grandma.  You can read past posts here.

But, today I'll delve into an aspect of motherhood that has been on my mind as of late:


It seems the question I seem to loath right now is, "Are you done?" "Are you going to try for another set of twins?"  I know people mean well, and they just want us to have more because we have such darn cute babies and face it, everyone is curious if another pregnancy would equate to more twins.

Maybe I hate the questions because if I answer that we might be done, people almost seem disappointed in me and I hate to disappoint.  Or maybe because it reminds me of the early years of marriage, "So....when are you planning on having children?"

I hated that we always got the talk of "you shouldn't wait" like we were selfish or the "wait as long as you can" like kids were a bad thing.  I always hoped we didn't fit into either of those categories.  

It seemed it would have been easier to be the lady that could answer, "I'm actually 6 weeks along."  I would have gladly quit college to be a mom, but the truth is, deep down I knew I needed to finish my degree.  And I'm glad I did.  And then due to infertility, I got to teach for 2 years.  And I wouldn't trade that experience for anything.

Now, when asked about more babies, I just need to remember my grandma's words, "We'll take whatever we get," and leave people at that.  Cause really, I hate trying to explain my feelings.  I'm so complex, I don't know if I could ever properly explain what goes on in that head of mine.  I'm not stopping cause I feel I'm at my max or there is any huge reason to stop and I'm not having more cause I feel a void.  Some people claim, "Oh, you'll just know when you are done."  I'm not constructed that way.  I don't get lightening bolt answers.  I just get simple ones and am told to have faith.  I'm just at a point where I feel complete and at peace....that is until someone questions me and the worrier in me doesn't want to seem selfish or unrighteous.

I always thought I would be a 5 or 6 child lady.  And I would gladly take 5 or 6 or even 10 and be an awesome mom.

But, for now, I'm a mom to 4 and this coming year I want to be more of a confident mom.  I want to feel good about my ability to make righteous choices despite my tendency to feel judged.

I've seen an influx in the media lately pitting women against each other.  I think they are terming it "Mommy Wars."  I really think Satan knows he has a tool to turn women against each other, whether it's work choice, or how many kids we choose to have, or even if we choose to bottle or breast feed.  Women are being harsh to each other and we feel life is almost a competition.  I know I have judged unkindly myself.

So this is the year to work even harder to know my worth and remember the worth of others.  It's my year to further myself on the path of making good choices and then live each day confidently and deliberately.

And it's my year to continue to widdle away at the things in life that don't matter and focus on the things that do.

Science Projects

My school age mothering has been a little different than I had anticipated.

Anticipated:  perfectionist
Actual:  just get it done

A few months ago, the girls had a science project due for school.  I think at home learning it vital and I was always the student that wanted to turn in projects that went above and beyond expectations, but, these projects got done at the last minute and were definitely not above and beyond.

Elsa chose to make rainbows and Lucy choose to see what makes bread rise.  We worked fast, took a few pictures, slapped them on a poster board, I had the girls write a few sentences about it in their "science journal" and we called it good.

I hope to redeem myself in our at home learning in the future.  I have truly been missing the mark on where I thought I would be with doing more fun learning projects, especially since that is part of the reason I wanted half day Kindergarten. I thought we would read more, do more research on subjects they are interested in, have more mom provided lessons on math and phonics...maybe this summer I'll do better at matching my dreams with reality.

    

Elsa lost her first tooth!

Elsa has had a few mouth issues over her little lifetime.  She was born tongue tied.  Poor little girl couldn't even stick out her tongue past her teeth.  Then when she was about one, she fell and it basically clipped the skin under her tongue.  Her upper lip was also attached to her front gums by a flap of skin.  In December, she fell at a family dinner and it clipped that piece of skin too.  (There was a lot of blood and a big open wound with that one.)

Then recently,  Elsa had a wiggly tooth for a few weeks, but it wasn't progressing in wiggliness.  Then she started complaining about it hurting.  I noticed that behind her baby tooth her gums were swollen.  I worried about an abscess, so I kept my eye on it.  After a few days, her adult tooth stated to grow in.  It wasn't an abscess, but rather the adult tooth growing in behind her baby tooth.  He poor little baby tooth probably wasn't going to get any wigglier seeing as how the new tooth wasn't going to push it out of the way anymore.  So I told Elsa that she was just going to have to pull it out, super wiggly or not.

We were at my parents one morning and I thought I would have Elsa use the trick of how Lucy lost her first tooth:  bite down on a towel (in Lucy's case, a blanket) and pull.  The first few times she chickened out a bit and eased up on her bite before pulling on the towel.  I reminded her that she was brave and strong.  So she bit, pulled and out flew the tooth.  She didn't even know it had happened.  When I started congratulating her she realized what had taken place and I think a little pain registered so she started to get a little teary eyed.  After some mom comforting she was happy to tell everyone how brave she was and was happy to have the tooth fairy visit her.  She came home from grandma's and promptly got her tooth pillow all ready and a note written for the tooth fairy (Elsa loves to write notes to people).

Her tooth pillow that she made with grandma Papa.

Elsa sometimes reverses her letters (b, d, r, p, q) but, is really doing quite well in sounding out words all on her own.  She is even learning rules like bossy e, oo, when to use y at the end of the word....not bad for 5 years old.  

I am proud of my new toothless girl and her bravery.  She now joins the ranks of Lucy and her cousin Eldon.

(Elsa was worried about her tooth growing in so far back and someone mentioned the word braces which just made her worry more.  I assured her that she was beautiful but that most likely she would get braces like mom did when she is a teenager, not because she isn't beautiful, but just to help her teeth that are like moms.  I was suddenly really thankful I had to have braces myself.)

Spirit Week

This week was spirit week at the girls' school.  I loved spirit week as a kid - the chance to dress up, though my girls have the same fears I did, "What if no one else dresses up?"  "What if someone laughs at me?"

Monday - I didn't look in the girls' backpack over the weekend so I didn't realize it was pajama day.

Tuesday - Teacher day.  I made the girls fake staff ID's and put them on my old school lanyards.  It was a rushed grumpy morning so I only got one blurry picture with my phone.

Wednesday - Disco Day - didn't have much in the disco department so I just tied some shiny polyester around their waist.

Thursday - Nerd Day - I had such plans but Lucy refused to even try and Elsa vetoed the glasses and the pen in the pocket and the suspenders and tucked in shirt and the 'kick me' note.  She only wanted to go with the high water pants so I said, "It's all or nothing.  I'm not sending you to school in just high waters.  People will think your mom doesn't know how to dress you."  She chose nothing and went to school looking like a normal cute little girl.


Friday - Crazy hair day.  We looked in Pinterest to get ideas.  After seeing all the cute ideas Lucy made up her own and decided that she was super excited to wake up and not have to brush or do her hair at all and just go to school with bedhead.  Elsa decided on a flower garden head, but I didn't have green dye so we used green yarn and she made her own butterfly.  Thanks to finally getting good bobby pins from a friend and her beauty supply hook ups, it actually held in place and turned out more cute than crazy. I think I'm in love with these bobby pins.  Where have you been all my little girl doing hair days?!

 Sadly, Lucy's hair looks a lot like this most days

 

Sitting and Thinking

It's Friday morning.  The past few days I have played the role of day care provider to a few extra babies, which suddenly made me realize how far I've come from the baby phase.  I not longer pack diapers or pacifiers or portable high chairs.  I no longer hoist the heavy double stroller in and out of the car for even just a simple errand.  I no longer have to buckle and unbuckle 4 small children in and out of car seats.  I no longer have to time nursing and feeding sessions hours in advance, just to make it out the door.  And as I looked at Leta and Annie while caring for 2 extra babies this week, my girls are almost 3, practically the age Lucy and Elsa were when I birthed a new set of twins, I thought to myself, "How did I do this?!"  "How did I have babies and more babies?"   

And today, my house is silent.  The olders are off to their few hours of school and Ryan took the youngers to appraise some land out by Lake Pleasant.  Leta and Annie are excited to go on a field trip that Lucy and Elsa got to go on at this age.  They will get to see tarantulas and Freddy the rattlesnake.  Leta would only go if we said it was a nice rattlesnake.  I sit here, feeling parts lazy because I finally have the chance to be kidless during normal waking hours, part crazy because my mind is going a mile a minute thinking of everything I need to cram into the next 2 hours.  I think I'll let the dishes and laundry fester a bit longer and just blog and catch up on all the posts that never got quite finished.  Or maybe I'll eat breakfast.  

Getting ready for the daddy/daughter work trip.

This morning I put Leta's hair in pigtails and Ryan was doing his usual, "Leta, you look so darn cute in pigtails!" routine.  He loves his little girls in pigtails and what can I say, we do have cute girls.  So then Annie said, "I want pigtails!"  Even little girls feel the power of a compliment.  Good thing their dad is good at it.   

  

A Melzer 6 Family Camp Out

I feel like we are outdoorsy people, but for some reason, that last 3 years have passed without us going as a complete family on an overnight camp out.  (That some reason has two names:  Leta and Annie)  

I feel bad for Leta and Annie.  By the time Lucy and Elsa were almost 3 they had spent many many nights camping in the Arizona forests.  Leta and Annie have gone on day fishing trips, to the desert, to play in the creek up north, to hotels and cabins, but nothing overnight in a tent.  When we arrived at our camping spot, even Elsa commented, "Mom, is this your first time as a mom camping?"  Of course I had to set her straight and remind her of the time I took them camping for 11 days without dad, or the Melzer family reunion without dad, or the other Papa camp out, or the ward camp out while I was pregnant with Leta and Annie, or the....but, sadly even Lucy and Elsa don't remember all those trips.  To them camping has just been a father/daughter experience while mom stays home with Leta and Annie.

It was time my girls knew that mom is a camper too.  And it was time Leta and Annie be introduced to sleeping in a tent.  Besides camping is awesome and I think it's almost turning into a lost art.    

Sometimes I feel like I should have been a pioneer, so camping allows me to tap into that simple life.  I also think that camping is a great way to teach kids that #1 - You are not always going to be comfortable, but you can still be happy.  Complaining is for the birds.  #2 - How to be creative.  #3 - How to be more independent. #4 - How to live with less. And #5 - It's good for little girls to know they can get really dirty sometimes.  

And while people debate the bad economy, try to make predictions for future failures, and instill a lot of fear, I take comfort in the fact that my family knows how to and enjoys camping.    

Now for the pictures and fun details:

We headed up to Bear Canyon Lake Friday at noon after Lucy and Elsa got home from school.  We arrived a few hours later and began to set up camp.  First item up for business - to create a toilet for the girls.  I was quite proud of my creation and even Lucy and Elsa proclaimed it to be awesome.  They said I was much better than dad at toilet making.  "Dad just digs a hole and holds us over the hole.  This is like a real toilet."  I dug a deep hole, took what my mom had taught me about using two rocks, added a potty seat, hooked a toilet paper roll through a bungee cord that I strung thru the trees and called it good.  I suppose I should have put a screen up seeing as how I used the toilet too and we could see other campers in the distance from our spot, but I was hoping the trees offered seclusion and I think I've gotten a little more ornery in my old age and decided that if people wanted to spy, they would surely be sorry they did.

Ryan hiked around for a bit with Lucy, Elsa, and Leta as Annie threw a temper tantrum back at camp because I wouldn't carry her.  I hid behind a tree and tried to video it - it was classic.  Sadly the video was from too far away.

Ryan used his new $8 hatchet.  I wore my $1 jacket from the thrift store (but was a little sad that I didn't bring something warmer).  The girls started making their own tree house.  We started reading, "Little House in the Big Woods" (kinda made me want to move to the wilderness with just my little family and live in a simple log cabin), we ate tinfoil dinners, tried to make smores (although Ryan forgot the chocolate - we improvised with chocolate covered pretzels), drank hot chocolate and snuggled into our tent for the night.  We just brought 2 small tents, so it was me and all the girls in one and Ryan in his backpacking one 2 feet away.  

They didn't waste any time making their tree house and making it beautiful.

Our campsite - Annie at the washing station.

These little ones wanted to collect pine-cones everywhere they went.

Can you spy Annie in the background kicking her legs and jumping up and down and flailing on the ground for her epic temper tantrum.

Reading to four little girls while dad cooks.

This car truly proves to be a perfect fit for us.  Definitely an answer to prayers.  I love the extra room in the back now and I wasn't worried about getting her beat up and dirty.

Smoke follows beauty.

I really did marry my perfect match.

Smores

Thankfully we were all warm during the cold night and Lucy and Elsa slept like champs because they were so used to camping.  Elsa even slept through most everyone shifting over to her side of the small tent.  Leta and Annie did quite well for their first time and never cried during the night, but I think we rearranged ourselves every 2 hours.  I was just glad I was actually warm thanks to my husband who thought to give me a sleeping bag for Christmas that is rated for 20 degree weather.  

The girls

Elsa was there too....she just didn't want to be in the picture.  (Camping is the time I really want lasik eye surgery.)

In the morning we read more of our book, ate biscuits and gravy, hiked down to the lake, caught two fish, hiked back up to camp (Leta and Annie actually climbed those rocks like little billy goats), cooked and ate our fish, packed up and then drove around to explore the area before heading back into town.

The girls checking out the scouts at the lake.  I've decided that 12 and 13 year old boys only survive each other and themselves by miracles.  

I accidentally caught the first fish.  I thought there was just a bite and the fish got away, so I didn't bother to have the girls real it in.  As it got up to shore, I realized there was indeed a fish still on the line.  The girls named it Sweetheart.  Then Ryan cast out Elsa's Barbie poll and she immediately caught the second fish.  They named it Kicker.

Saying their last goodbyes to Sweetheart and Kicker before daddy had to gut them.  I"m proud of my girls that they are all okay with holding a slimy fish.  

Walking back to camp (before the rocky part that required my girls to be part billy goat)

Look who we ran into in the big woods while camping...uncle Jason.  Such a small world.  We invited him to our fish fry.  Lucy is helping him gut his catches.

Sweetheart and Kicker sure tasted good.  Nothing like lake to table in less than an hour.  

Tuckered out on the way home.

I must say, I don't consider myself a vain person but I still have to work on the feeling beautiful without make-up, washed and done hair or a clean outfit aspect of camping (though the ironic thing is that I don't see how that is different from my everyday :) and there were a few epic 2 year old temper tantrums, but nothing that a few minutes in a closed Suburban couldn't remedy (the joys of sound-proof cars).  Despite these, I'm looking forward to many more camping trips in our future.  My absence from camping for the last 3 years really made my heart grow fonder.  Our trip was just right in my book as evidenced by the huge post and I totally feel like I'm helping my kids to become geniuses by taking them camping.

Besides, I'll take any reason to go somewhere with just my little Melzer family.  Cause I think Team Melzer is pretty awesome.